When we think about new relationships, especially around holidays like Valentine’s Day when there’s extra pressure to plan a date, be taken on a date, get just the right gift, be affectionate or perform in a certain way, it’s important to notice even the subtle signs that a relationship is actually a healthy one.

My work shows that strong foundations aren’t built on grand gestures, but on consistently healthy patterns. A green flag is when partners communicate openly and honestly. Another is when partners are responsive to each other’s primary love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch), which research links to higher relationship satisfaction.

Additionally, a green flag can be how conflict is handled. Differences being approached with open, calm conversation and a focus on working things out together, rather than shutting down, distancing or attacking one another. Paying attention to these patterns helps individuals getting to know each other assess if the relationship has the potential to be long lasting.

One common mistake couples make around Valentine’s Day is assuming that a great gift or grand gestures automatically equate to love or the success of their relationship.

My research on attachment and relational connection suggests that external pressure to “perform” love can interfere with closeness, particularly when partners differ in how they seek and express emotional connection.

Partners may have genuine care for one another but express it in ways that don’t fully align with what the other finds most connecting. When this happens, individuals can feel emotionally unseen or less securely connected, even in otherwise supportive relationships.

Findings from my work on couple connectedness show that what sustains intimacy is not the scale of a gesture, but partners’ ongoing emotional responsiveness, being present, attentive and attuned to one another’s needs in everyday interactions.

Small, intentional behaviors that reflect this attunement, such as focused time, emotional availability or affirming communication, are more likely to strengthen feelings of security and connection than highly scripted or high-pressure expressions of affection. Unfortunately, sometimes partners take the “smaller” everyday things for granted and forget to acknowledge and appreciate their partner for them.

For long-term couples, Valentine’s Day is most meaningful when it’s used as a moment of intentional reconnection rather than a scripted performance. In today’s society, social media comparison is pretty typical. Partners see others posting their trips, gifts and romantic gestures and naturally, they compare their relationship to the carefully crafted picture, video or caption made by someone else.

Feelings of envy, sadness, jealousy and/or anger are common during such holidays. My research on romantic relationships and relational satisfaction highlights that feeling seen, heard and emotionally prioritized by one’s partner is central to relational connectedness.

Rather than focusing on how a relationship milestone or holiday is expected to look, couples tend to benefit more from intentional emotional engagement, creating protected time for interaction, acknowledging one another’s efforts and participating in shared routines that reinforce a sense of partnership. These everyday relational processes are consistently linked to greater emotional security and closeness, whereas going through the motions of expected behaviors is far less predictive of relationship strength.

From a systemic therapist’s perspective, one communication practice couples always benefit from is active listening paired with emotionally responsive behaviors. Listening is most effective when it helps partners feel seen, heard and emotionally valued.

Active listening involves sustained attention, reflecting understanding and asking questions that deepen clarity, while “I” statements allow partners to share their experiences without blame or escalation. Relational satisfaction is highest when these practices are embedded in everyday relational processes, such as expressing gratitude and engaging in shared routines that reinforce emotional closeness.

When I was younger, I was told the Spanish saying that translates to, “it’s better to be alone than in bad company.”

For those who are single this Valentine’s Day, my advice is to shift the focus from societal pressures to meaningful connection, both with yourself and with the people who matter most to you, which absolutely does not have to be a romantic connection.

Emotional fulfillment and a sense of belonging don’t come solely from a romantic partner. There is also newer research on the five languages of self-love. For example, you can spend quality time alone, offer words of affirmation through journaling or reciting affirmations, practicing gratitude or intentionally doing something that brings you joy.

Being single can be an opportunity to clarify what you want in future partnerships. In fact, findings from one of my studies indicated that individuals who cultivate grace, self-compassion and compassion within their relationships report higher levels of marital satisfaction and overall well-being.

Media interested in speaking with Professor Tadros can contact Daryl Lovell, associate director of media relations at Syracuse University, at dalovell@syr.edu.